Lizzo - "Boys" choreography

 Can we just dance?

Coronavirus & 2020: How These 2 Things Forced Me to Face Myself

Before the 2020 pandemic, I was constantly doing.

I was always at the gym or yoga studio, driving from place to place (I am self-employed and travel to my clients' homes), traveling to the next country on my bucket list, and most importantly, I was ALWAYS planning my next steps.

Why most importantly? Because I seem to have a case of the "grass is always greener over there" syndrome. Meaning, I'm rarely living in the moment.

I don't remember exactly when it started. Perhaps it was when I stopped abusing drugs and alcohol in 2010, or when I had a traumatic experience in 2013 that gave me severe PTSD...or maybe I've just always had a penchant for romantic escapism and could never truly sit still in the now.

Which brings me to, well...now.

The year is 2020. There's a new microscopic bug on the town that's killing millions and took the throne as the first pandemic of our generation...and the millennium. 

Welcome to Covid-19.

Stores are shut down. Jobs are shut down. The economy is shut down. The world is shut down. All the things I was constantly doing...gym, yoga, work, travel...are all shut down. 

The pandemic has forced me to slow down and come to a complete stop. And because of it, I'm finally meeting myself. All parts of myself. The deep, icky parts of myself. The bad, the more bad, and the ugly.

I have ugly trauma I've been too scared to face.
I have made poor life choices and am still dealing with the consequences.
I have strong residual, repressed emotion as a result.
I've hated myself over physical appearance and been too afraid to look at the reflection in the mirror.
I have chronic health conditions that I blame myself for.
I harbor negative beliefs about myself.
I have bad habits that I have yet to shake.
I struggle with depression and anxiety and the thoughts that tell me life's not worth it - often.
I hold my breath when I'm stressed.
I pick at my face when I'm anxious.
I have been co-dependent on toxic people because I'm insecure.
I gained weight and am ashamed to admit it.

Oof. That's a lot.

And with a a third stay-at-home order and nowhere to go, I can't outrun these truths anymore.

But you know what? I am grateful I can't. It's forcing me to grow tf up and out of my toxic, unhelpful shit.

It doesn't even stop there.

The year 2020 itself brought on its own rollercoaster of a ride. So many out of the ordinary things happened and changed and were so beyond my control that I was taught about the art of surrender. Because if I didn't surrender to all the change, I was going to break.

Here are some of the things I dealt in this year alone:

2 heartbreaks
6 moves
Homelessness
2 lost jobs
1 lawsuit
1 crazy landlord
1 new health diagnosis
Worsening health condition
Major car repair
And more!

OMG YAY!

So, you'd think I'd be part of the camp that loathes what this year brought them, but I'm not. I'm grateful. Here's the math to prove it:

2020 + Covid 19 =

1. I now know I am okay alone
2. I can face my scary feelings, feel them, and not die
3. I can rest without guilt
4. I can focus all my energy toward personal growth
5. I can focus on healing
6. I set better boundaries
7. I see what I need to change
8. I am accepting of what I've done
   
9. I am starting to forgive myself
10. I am finding things I love about myself - inside and out
11. I am changing my beliefs and believing in myself
12. I found stability
13. I am starting an online business
14. I've learned how to better go with the flow of life

So there are the numbers. Do what you will with them, but I ask of you, what have YOU learned about yourself this year? Did you find the pandemic incredibly helpful in your personal growth, too, or was it detrimental in some way? I'd love to know.

Until next time...